Thanks to some very special friends, each year for my birthday I get a gift card to get new shoes. That was back in December. This crazy winter has made nearly everything seen impossible, including picking out new shoes. Today, however, there was success. New shoes that are warm and comfortable.
I'm still not sure what causes the dreams to come, or why sometimes they are so much more intense than other times. This week has been a tough one, and sleep has been all over the place. I fell asleep earlier, and awoke to one of the most disturbing dreams I've had in a long time. I've focused hard on work over the last few hours. At some point I'm afraid I'll have to grab the pillow and try sleep again before morning truly arrives.
The boy drove me home after I stopped at school to pick him up. While he's had his driver's permit since December, there has been little opportunity to use it with the crazy winter we've had so far.
The boy drove me home after I stopped at school to pick him up. While he's had his driver's permit since December, there has been little opportunity to use it with the crazy winter we've had so far.
Try as I might, some days I just can't seem to get out the door from work on time to pick up the little guy from school. This means that he ends up standing outside for up to fifteen minutes watching all of the other parents come through, picking up their children. Some days, it means he gets sent back into the office to wait, the worry that I may not show up brewing in his active mind. Today I caught him just as they were getting ready to go back into the school building. I loved catching a glimpse of his grin as he darted for the car today, pink nose and all.
Curse you, nachos! Oh, how I love chicken nachos - chicken, chips, cheese, tomatoes, and sour cream. Oh, how I do not like the way they make my face catch fire. I'm not sure anyone could have imagined tortilla chips and tomatoes could make a face turn so red and itchy. (And, while I'm at it, curse you, too, chronic idiopathic urticaria, the reason for the redness and itchiness.)
Today is one of those days where I found myself doubting, well, myself. All of those things I've learned, the things that I have become, the hopes that I allow myself to still cling to, in the aftermath of the last few years, they are swirling in my head today with the wonderings of which of those things are worth keeping.
It began with a dream as I woke up. It was a bizarre dream, even to my standards, but it held a lot of different messages. It held some people who are quite precious to me. It got me thinking about some of the memories of the past few years, and about how the things I've wanted in life have changed as I've changed.
It got me thinking about wanting more and wanting less, about staying or walking away, about some very deep and life changing conversations I've had with a friend about such things. It got me thinking about decisions, which ones need to be made, which ones I avoid.
And it leaves my mind still swirling with thoughts. And a little bit of doubt. And a bit of joy. And a lot of uncertainty. This leaves the pictures for today...little pieces, up close, from when I went for a quick drive. It's kind of like the inside of my head today, little bits of different things, up close, trying to put them together.
We had visitors today. It's always nice when my older boys get a chance to stop over. Today it was my oldest son, his wife, and their baby (my grandbaby) that stopped. We also made the realization that they never completely, entirely grow up. It's amazing how a tub of Legos can brighten any room with these boys around.
I managed to get out today and stopped by Target to pick up the very basic of things. I felt a little sad walking in the doors, trying to remember the last time I had stepped foot into a Target store. I believe it was before Christmas, nearly two months ago. This would also explain why we so desperately needed basics, like soap and other toiletries. We had been scraping through the stock pile of leftover sample sizes.
I am still feeling a bit guilty over the purchase of a few clearance prices shirts. And that makes it even sadder that $5 spent on two shirts brings forth this much guilt right now.
Those shirts also brought about the best part of the day. Browsing the clearance racks, I found my friend. I don't get to see her as much I used to because of changes at work. We spent an hour sitting, chatting, roaming. It was a time out from everything else, a moment where I could just be and not have to worry about anything else in the world. These are the moments that make my heart happy.
I've been trying to eat better, trying to cut calories, trying to build up the exercise again. (Two years of uncontrolled hives and a crazy heartbeat took its toll, I guess.) Each work day there seems to be a favorite mug, holding cereal in the morning and chicken soup in the afternoon.
The past two days have been spent staring between the computer screen and piles of papers to be graded/checked/sorted. Today has been one of fascination at the realization of what middle schoolers actually know and how much times have changed. Probably half of them did not know what a radish was (we planted seeds today for a science investigation). And my favorite response, thus far, to the question of why the wolf and moose population fluctuated is - "The moose started standing up for themselves to the wolves." Love their way of thinking sometimes.
Turns out receiving roses for the right reasons is so much better than getting them for the wrong reasons.
Lots and lots of stuff. Stuff to think about. Stuff to sort out. And a picture of a glimpse I caught today, while I was looking up, and thinking about - stuff.
Valentine's Day came and went. It started with a half day of school and cookie monster pajamas. Then to a Valentine's Day party for my youngest son's class and some pretty awesome bingo. There were cherry cupcakes to be baked and delivered. There was chocolate to be eaten and the excitement of new books to be bought. There were beautiful flowers and a touching message. A very nice dinner. A perfect day.
Today there was sunshine! I saw it. I felt the warmth. I got to open the car's moon roof and feel the warmth soak in as I held my transition glasses up to darken for the ride. It was a wonderful feeling!
There was a heart breaking trip to the grocery store along with some challenging conversation tonight. ("It's ok. I don't really have to have snacks." and "We really need to get rid of the government and start over.") Things have been getting hard, again, for far too long. It was time to change perspective, and quickly.
So I stepped back and noticed how much my fifteen year old was turning into a responsible and caring young man. We had gone to the store so that he could shop for the 18 people going on an upcoming scouting campout. He stuck to the budget, asking a question here or there. He checked everything out and bagged it himself, making sure he got the receipt.
I watched my two younger boys carefully fill the car with the bags, making sure the eggs were safe from harm. I listened as they sang their hearts out to the songs on the radio on the way home. I watched them work together to get the bags inside once we were home. And then my heart smiled as I noticed my nine year old still had my boots on. He had put them on quickly (they are warm and soft and fluffy, he says) as we thought it would be a quick trip to one store. Five stops later, we were returning home, my boots still covering his toes.
There are moments like this tucked all over info my life. I need to start focusing more on those and what I do have, instead of those challenges rearing their ugly heads again.
Today the fuel gauge stopped working. It was a reminder that in my life something always seems to be broken. (Yesterday I just got the tires replaced, so it would make sense that something else would break today.) However, by the end of the day, it seems to have resolved itself. Plus, my car still has heat that works. That's always my fall back look to the positive - I have warm car.
There is nothing like being able to pull out of a parking lot and onto a road without the worry of spending so much time sliding that you may get smashed by a vehicle that was not there ten minutes ago. There is nothing like actually having your vehicle stop when you hit the brakes. I'm not sure most would understand tires so bad that you couldn't move past 25 mph. This is one happy, thankful girl. Fuzzy, pink socks are a good end to this cozy, feeling a little safer day.
Today I woke up feeling so angry. I knew there are others going through far worse, far more devastating things, in their lives. But today, today I was angry that everything seems to be a struggle. I was tired of working so hard to inch forward, only to have other things come in and push me back that much further.
I was angry the entire time I inched my way forward towards my parents' house, spending an hour and a half on a drive that should have taken half an hour. I was angry at the shaking steering wheel and broken wipers. I was angry because my young son needs pants that aren't too short. I was angry trying to calculate the cost of gas to make the ride. I was angry the places I've applied to wouldn't hire me, that I didn't have a second job yet. Then I felt guilty because maybe it was good they hadn't hired me, because it meant I didn't have to give up sleep.
I made it safely to my parents' house, and I let go of some of that anger, knowing how thankful I was that I had my mom and dad, that my dad would be able to check out the car. I was thankful that ny dad took my son out with him and taught him how to check the u joints and tires. The battle against anger was still there...I already knew how bad my tires were. I was angry that done people take such things for granted, like having a safe vehicle to get around in. And then we made plans to try and get that taken care of tomorrow. My dad remembered the windshield wipers, the wipers that a friend had surprised me with, and a little piece of my car was new again.
From here we ventured on. We were off and down the road to enjoy a lunch of pizza and some great company. It was nice to just sit and let things be what they would be. It was nice to hear laughter. It was nice to see smiles. It was nice to have a few quiet moments tucked inside the surroundings of some really wonderful people.
And it was off again. We were creeping off in the car, further than before, for a friend's birthday dinner. We arrived late, our friends are quite understanding, and we were once again enjoying the laughter of even more wonderful people. Each of us has our own worries, and there is such ease in setting your own worry to the side to support somebody else in a moment. There were stories to be shared, laughter to be made, smiles to be had. There were hugs, even from those reluctant to give them, and then we were off again.
Finally home, things settled in once again. I attempted my push ups (I am trying), and there were more jokes to be made. "Mom, don't do the girly p...oh, nevermind, you are a girl..." "If zombies came, and the only thing that would save you is a pushup, well, you'd be a goner..." There were more smiles, more laughter. All of the morning's anger had been put back into its place, and the focus is again, at least for the moment, on trying to figure out how to move forward and stopping to appreciate what I do have. This leads to today's pictures...little glimpses of the pieces of the day that put anger back into its place.
Today was the MHSAA Individual Wrestling Competition. It was also the last time my son is supposed to wear the singlet with anything related to Native Americans. The new singlets well be worn from now on.
And, while there was only a sprinkling of new snow so far today (with another inch or so expected), this is still what it looks like outside.
Some days when you think it can't get worse, things just have to go and show you that they can. Some days, when you're exhausted from having to choose between food or heat, between gas for the car to get to work or gas and admission fees to watch your son's sporting events, some days, you just have to focus on what you do have. Boys. Love them with all that I have.
Feeling trapped. At least I can still get around our little town. The snow at the side of the road reaches past my car window. It's everywhere. And when it isn't snowing, it's cold and freezing. And when it's not cold and ice, it's snowing.
Some times we make bad decisions. We've all done it. Today was one of those days. It wasn't even me! Why we had school today, no-one really understands. Even with the Honeywell apology and maybe a different decision should have been made speech...it doesn't change that our kids and staff had to endure less than ideal travel conditions today because of one person's decision.
At 5:30 am, there wasn't a lot of snow on the ground. The weather forecast still called for several more inches to come throughout the morning. By 6:45, I didn't even make it to the day care. I turned around and made frantic calls for people to please watch my kids do I could be at work on time.
School began with sparse hallways. Slowly students trickled in as buses and bus drivers navigated their way through our back country roads, only to be told that bus students works be dismissed early in hopes to get them back home on schedule.
I walked out after school to find about four inches of snow on my car. Amazingly, the roads were just wet. My feet, also wet. Trudging through four-to-six inches of snow and swooping piles of it from the car can do that to a person. And now, to enjoy the warmth of home and a good book, and prepare for whatever tomorrow brings.
Some days, more than others, it seems things fall apart faster than I can keep them pulled together. I am so exhausted from the daily struggle of just barely getting by. Something's got to change. Funny thing, it's day 41, my age, and tonight I just sit and wonder how I ended up here and how long till I can get moving forward again.
It was also another chess night. He's frustrated he hasn't won yet (just learned how to play last month), and, wow, what a fight he put up tonight! Guess I need to take that attitude and get some of that on me.
It's Super Bowl Sunday. Seahawks dominate the game. And for some of us, it means work, school work, homework, laundry, and good food.
It's also Groundhog Day, but we won't talk about the groundhog, his shadow, and winter.
It's Super Bowl Sunday. Seahawks dominate the game. And for some of us, it means work, school work, homework, laundry, and good food.
It's also Groundhog Day, but we won't talk about the groundhog, his shadow, and winter.
Rain
Rain
And more rain
To top off the piles of snow
To make lots of slush on the roads
At least it's a bit warmer
Today I tested for 9th geup, a white belt with the yellow stripe, in Tae Kwon Do. I was terrified. It's hard to be so old and out of shape and forgetful and then go and put yourself out there like that, in front of people you know. But I took a deep breath, and I did it.
Then I did what everyone feeling accomplished does, I stopped at Kroger. Every time I turned a corner, there was another familiar face saying hi. The longest conversation was spent catching up with another mom friend of long ago. My oldest and her middle son were in school together. And it felt nice to catch up on the last few years and have it end on a positive note. I moved along, made it to the checkout (nearly an hour later), and I hear, "Hey, we know that 9th geup!" It was somebody that helped at the Tae Kwon Do testing. There were more faces, more hellos, and eventually there was a trip home.
The trip home led into another trip out to the movie theater to see Lone Survivor. And as we stand there ordering popcorn, another of my oldest son's friends appears. This hello and hug was totally packed with power, as we realized we were there to see the same movie. This friend's history laid out even more of the emotion of the movie right there in front of us. It was emotional. It was powerful. Feeling thankful for all of those that give of themselves for others.
