Day 36 - the scale

Bring it on!
Today, it begins.

Day 35 - Torn

Tonight included going back to school for parent meetings for our upcoming week of camp. There is a lot of excitement and anticipation in the air, and I am excited at the opportunity to join all of our sixth graders at this great learning opportunity. My three older boys had the opportunity to go, and I know how meaningful it is.

Then I looked at the time I was missing with my own boys. There are two still young enough to be at home, and I left them alone so I could go prepare for a week with other kids.

Before, it didn't matter as much. I was happy to give up my own time. And it's not that I'm no longer happy about it. It's more about that they've cut so much that I can barely support my own kids. It's about the guilt that comes because I'm trying to balance time not only between work and my boys, but now also on worrying about things like will the power still be on when I get home, or where can I squeeze in another job.

I am so excited about camp and the amazing experiences it brings. Now if I could just let go of the guilt...feeling torn...

Day 34 - Inside

Sometimes I wonder what would happen if people could see inside, if I let them in just a little bit more than I do now. Would they still stick around? Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever be that brave.

Day 33 - glimpse of the sun

No school today. No school tomorrow. Lots of winter. Blowing wind. Frigid cold. Icy roads. But today, for just a brief moment, there was a glimpse of the sun. It was blinding, it meant taking a picture without being able to see. It was gone as quickly as it came. However, it was also hope. There was a glimpse of the sun, a reminder that spring will come. Some day.

Day 32 - weekends and crazy winters

The picture says it all. It was nice to have an unexpected three day weekend, but it hasn't been so nice the way January has treated us. Cabin fever is setting in to the extreme, with even lower record temps and wind chills expected this week. We are all exhausted and cranky, pleading for a peak at sunshine or roads clear enough to get out for a decent ride. We've done nothing for days, yet are wiped out enough to feel as though we've done everything. Bring on the Monday!

Day 31 - Boots

Today I am thankful for warm boots. It was the Friday morning after New Years. I wasn't feeling the greatest, a cold was coming on, and it was after our first big snowstorm of the year. I broke down, stopped into Dunhams, and found a pair of clearance boots.

They've already gotten lots of love and wear. My nine year old wears them to Tae Kwon Do because they actually keep your feet warm and dry. I've truly enjoyed the lack of wet feet with record snowfalls this month.

So what's the big deal? I'm thankful, yet I feel guilty. Sometimes it's really hard being a single parent. Sometimes it's just hard being a parent. Today I battle those feelings that I can't totally seem to shake. All those years of being told that I deserve nothing, and here I have warm, dry feet and wonder why. Wonder how. Certainly I don't deserve this.

Today I try to let the feelings of thankfulness overcome the feelings of guilt, and I'm not quite sure which feeling is winning over yet. :-)

Day 30 - cold, cold day

Sometimes I wonder what it will be like to say hot, hot day. The cold is relentless. School was cancelled because of the -20 wind chill, with the possibility of similar temperatures again next week.

My State hat has gotten a lot of wear lately. It led to a pleasant conversation with an older lady at the checkout lane in Kroger. It also kept my head warm as we tried to unbury my car from a snow drift at the entrance to the high school. (Wrestling goes on, even when school doesn't.)  And now we simply stay tucked in and warm, enjoying an evening of boy cuddles and movies.

Day 29 - poor, mixed up, confused day

The day, as some days do, started out horribly. The guilt over not driving one boy to school, the energy to get the other one moving, the frustration of a car not getting down the road in the freezing temps and snow and ice, the desire to have just one thing go well..

And just like that, things turned around. Ordering lunch out and having it delivered, the excitement of kids as they created skits, the kindness and generosity of family and friends as they come together to support learning in our school.

So it may have been one of those mixed up sorts of days, with a little frustration and uneasiness, and a little joy and smiles and warmth. I'll take days like this, where the joys and laughter really  do outnumber the woes.

Day 28 - still going :-)

I was kind of bumming tonight. A support payment finally came through, and the highlight was that we got to stop by the grocery store. Each item was deliberately and longingly placed into the cart. I miss the days when we could just go pick up a gallon of milk when we needed one. It also meant a trip to the gas station, which was good because it was down to an eighth of a tank in negative temps. And now, that little bit in the bank account is gone.

Then I went back a little bit more into the day. It was parents' night at the wrestling match. My son escorted me to the mats, flower in his hand. He is still shaking his head tonight that he forgot to hand it over to me before they took the picture. A red carnation with a black ribbon.

Then I went back even further, to work, to school. We unburied some unexpected supplies in a lab. Friends and family donated and began having conversations about a Donors Choose project I submitted. There was conversation about the woes of teaching and the battle of finding the joy in it while struggling to support your own children. There was some fun back and forth, and the realization that I really do work with some amazing people.

So when I pull it all together, I've got happiness in my heart and boys to squeeze and love. A good day, indeed.

Day 27 - Hives

"Mom, um, you've got a rash?"
Hives. Chronic idiopathic urticaria. I used to just get them when I was cold. Now they show up when I'm cold, when I'm hot, stressed, exercising, eating (though I can't pinpoint an exact food trigger), and sometimes just randomly, just because. Typically it starts with a burning in my face, and sometimes it spreads from there. I can't even recall all the times I've been asked if I was embarrassed when the red starts creeping across my cheeks. Some days I take double or triple doses of antihistamines, some days just a single dose keeps them away.
I'm not sure what brought them about this afternoon, just know that my fingers are crossed they're gone so I can participate in Tae Kwon Do tonight without a new batch of hives showing up.

Day 26 - fresh fallen snow

Today...

Three and a half hours with students...no break but lots of talent during the talent show (feelings of awe watching how far some of those kids have come)

A ride to pick up lunch and some brutally honest discussion about trying to make ends make (feeling relieved and not alone)

A walk to the church (just keep breathing)

A beautiful mass to celebrate a life filled with smiles and joy but gone too soon (tears and hugs)

Back to work (huh? Where to start?)

Pick up boy (warning of plans ahead)

Back to work (over three hours worth - overwhelmed)

Finally leave, car covered in snow (nothing like fresh fallen snow, new beginnings?)

Home at ten (what do you mean...homework, you forgot it?!? Dinner?!?)

Boy dropped off from wrestling (thankfulness for his ride)

Third Dr. Pepper. Some Facebook posts. Some text messages. (Remembering other babies gone too soon to cancer. Thinking about changes I can make. What to do. Where to go.)

Day 25 - family

My oldest son, his wife, and the grandbaby were here tonight. My two younger boys were also here (they were supposed to be at dad's). It was nice to share some time together. There really is no other feeling like family being all snuggled together sharing laughs and comfort food.

Day 24 - just being

Got a lot of cleaning done today. I think there were another two loads of laundry under boys' beds. It was a nice day spent at home, cleaning, listening to music and thinking, reflecting.
These are a few reminders of a boy missing home. It won't be long and he will be back and the mess will return and life will continue as "normal." :-)

Day 23 - yesterday (Friday), a day for hugging

So nothing got posted yesterday. No pictures were taken. The school day moved along, with Bill Nye and the water cycle and animal adaptations bingo. It was also a day filled with hugs and tears and smiles and memories. People are remembering a sweet little boy who recently lost his battle to cancer. They are hurting for his family, for his mom, a teacher. We are family where we work, and his life touched many. Yesterday was a day for remembering.

Day 22 - no picture today

Today was the funeral for a friend from high school. I was not able to make it, though his friends and family are in my heart and prayers today.

Today a friend's sweet, precious baby boy (he was two) lost his fight to cancer. He has touched so many in his journey, and his beautiful family means so much to our little town.

Tonight hearts are heavy.

Day 21 - Does weirdness = happiness? Possibly, yes!

I stopped by the funeral home today. It's always hard to walk in and have to say goodbye with a heavy heart. Last night I had pulled out the old yearbooks. It took me back to places that I had tucked away someplace deep. I flipped through and found the message that he had written after a class we had shared together. There were many other messages, written by friends of a life time ago, that made my heart smile.

So when I walked in today to the funeral home, I was surrounded by former classmates. Some I could remember by name, some by face, and some I wasn't quite sure. They all seemed to know each other and how they were all connected...and I was reminded of how I fit in a lot of places, but I don't really fit in at all. When someone was asked if he remembered me, it was then recalled that I had taken the "smart" classes. But I wasn't really all that smart, and I skated by with the minimal requirements.

My life went in an entirely different direction, and looking back I think I may have lost a lot of years. With the introduction of social media, I've been catching up with people and realizing all that I missed. And in that process, I'm realizing that my life is kind of like that all over the place. I fit in enough in a variety of places, but I don't have the depth to totally belong in any one place. I have my closest friends that I hold close. They know things about me before I even know them. They understand me, even when I have no words to explain. And today, I'm thinking I kind of like it this way. Realizing how much of an introvert I am, this works for me. I feel networked and involved, and loved and cared for, without so much of the stress of having to keep up with those social things I notice.

And then tonight from the funeral home came the wrestling meet. My nineteen year old and his girlfriend arrived to support the fifteen year old. My son and his girlfriend are awesome together, after all, he wears her pink boots and hoodies. (Yeah, we've got some weirdness going on, I do believe.) He helped the youngest of the brothers (age nine) to get the bill of his cap just right (aka just like his). The weirdness continued, when in the parking lot my nineteen year old snuck in our car, and I almost drove away with him because I was so distracted. And as we pulled away, with the correct boys on the car, the fifteen year old pulled out two cartoons of chocolate milk and a sandwich. It was 8:00 pm, he had been storing them in his backpack since lunch, appriximately nine hours prior. And he ate it. My car may never smell the same. :-)

I wouldn't change a thing. I love my boys. I love the life God has blessed me with. Even when the struggles seem too much, even when the weight is heavy, I still wouldn't change a thing because overall, it's a good place to be.

Day 20 - What a day

Cupcakes. The highlight of this day...my two youngest boys decorating cupcakes together for Boy Scout award night.

Actually, the work part wasn't so bad in that I am fortunate to work with some amazing people. The frustration comes with that it no longer supports my family, even with two of my boys grown up and moved out. The frustration is that I actually considered giving up the car today, because I don't know what else we can cut.

Then there are those friends affected by illness, those that are battling to stay alive, those that have lost that fight.

I'm thinking it's time to step it up...to really start looking at the positive, wherever it may be, in the tiniest of doses. It can't hurt to try, right? :-)

Day 19 - hanging on

It's been three weeks since there was a Monday at work. It moved along fairly well, with the finishing up of assessments and preparing for another semester to start.

The day has been draining in its own way...the news of a high school classmate passing still runs deep, another friend's precious two year old had his cancer return, there are people that are missed, friends that are struggling, and a few moments of quiet with the feet up before the energy returns to face the grading of the day's assessments.

Day 18 - downtime

It's Sunday night, and I'm thinking I will join my boys - they are on their iPads and soon I will be reading, from a book or the kindle is at the moment undecided.

I've spent the last few hours doing various things for work: creating assessments, sorting photos, looking for resources, thanking people who have given resources, updating web pages, newsletters, and the sort. It was quite a productive few hours for someone who could write a manual on procrastination.

It was also a nice distraction. Curiosity got the best of me. Earlier today I read a well written article about teaching. Then I did some research. Turns out that nine years with the same employer and a master's degree leaves me making enough that I could qualify for state assistance. That was hard to swallow. I really just want to be supporting my family, and here is just that much more proof of how difficult it's getting to be.

And then there was the news that a high school classmate passed away today. He had been in battle with the H1N1 virus over the last week, and healthy and happy at Christmas. We continue to pray for his beautiful family, while we search for words that could be said during a time like this.

And now. Now it's time for another escape in a book to a land far far away.

Day 17 - just a day

A game of chess with the youngest boy.
Time with the grandbaby.
Got a different bed frame. It's taller.
Roy's BBQ for lunch (and I didn't have to leave the house).
A shower.
Seeing rain and fog from the window.
Little bit of work.
Lots of Plants vs Zombies.
Laundry.
Scrubbing floors.
Just being.

Day 16 - groceries

Today my youngest son and I stopped by the grocery store to pick up a few basics, with the hope that we can really get them to stretch. We bumped into another parent of a wrestler, and he casually asked if we were also picking up food for tomorrow's meet. The question is harmless enough, yet today I really felt the sting of it.

Through a major accident, and a divorce that led to years of courthouse time, and mistakes along the way, we have known what it is like to struggle, to wonder if there will be food in the cupboard or when the power can get turned back on. And through hard work, we've managed to keep things pulled together and even enjoy a little extra now and then. Except in the field of education, they keep taking. And taking. This year's pay cuts were devastating, and they are starting to catch up.

Our casual trip to Kroger for milk, eggs, bread, and some chicken, was a source of anxiety. This has to get us through two weeks, and I'm not sure how it's going to happen with growing boys in the house. So when a parent asked what seemed like a simple question, are you getting food for the wrestling meet, my heart broke. How do you tell someone that you can't do your part and send in food for the wrestling meet because you can't even feed the children you have? How do you explain that you had to stop going to your kids sporting stuff on days you don't have enough money for gas or the admittance fee? How do you keep holding it altogether when your employer keeps taking it away?

Day 15 - lunch date

We ventured out to catch a peak at the roads. One went to practice, one became my lunch date (even if he pretended to be bashful).

Another Day 14

We finally did get the call that safety would come first and there would be no school on Thursday.
The entire afternoon was a movie marathon, with Mars Needs Moms being the one movie that caught the attention of both later Wednesday night.

Day 14 - another day in paradise

Cabin fever may be setting in after a two week break and three snow days. Little brother came out looking like this to do battle with bigger brother. Good thing we have lots of love in our home. :-)

The roads are still icy and drifted, and some of the back roads are closed as you cannot even get down them. We, however, will have school. The bus may skip your pick up if the driver can't navigate your road. Our superintendent suggested lots of extra time in the morning, which is great if you're in a position to do that. As a single parent, though, it gets challenging. And since the school changed the walking radius for the schools, it means I have to drop my high schooler off in the morning (or have him walk the icy road - no sidewalks in some places - where the inexperienced high schoolers will be driving). School and day care opening times don't change, and I'm unsure where I can squeeze extra travel time and still have everything work. I'm also unsure why safety doesn't come first with the welfare of so many children at stake.

Day 13 - What?!?!

With the wind chill today, we've been in the -20 to -40 range. Some say it's colder in Michigan than in the poles. It's cold. The roads are still covered in ice. I only know this because I had to venture out and replenish the tissue and med supply. Sunday I stopped at Kroger with the anticipation of picking up milk. I was greeted with a sign that they were out of all milk. Today as I strolled through, I discovered a cooler devoid of any contents. Butter, eggs, cheese, all gone. However, there was milk (which I did not yet require) and more importantly, tissues and ginger ale. Tomorrow will lead us into day three of no school and caution while driving reminders.

Day 12 - cold

I'm cheating today and using a screen shot. I did get out for a trip to the doctor today (viral bronchitis), and even with layers and leggings and boots and double gloves, it was cold. (Hence the real feel temp in the -40s.) The roads are simply ice covered in snow, but luckily I didn't have to go over 25 mph to get to the Dr office.

Day 11 - snow, snow, snow

The snow has returned. If you live in this area, and hadn't heard about it yet, you may notice when you walk into any local store. Our grocery store had a sign on the milk cooler that they are out of all milk. Shelves were empty, but thankfully the necessities were still there (ice cream, sprite, Tylenol, tissues). On a good note, school has been closed for tomorrow, which means that I will not have to go in and teach while being sick. Let it snow.

Day 10 - Wrestling

A moment from yesterday...an all day wrestling tournament. He takes a moment to watch his teammate's match.

Day 9 - sick

In Michigan, nothing says sick like having Vernors to make you feel better.

Day 8 - Big SNOW

It has been snowing. And snowing. And snowing some more. I heard it's been about 11 inches so far. Today I went to shovel the drifts off the driveway so I could move my car. Luckily it's been kept fairly clear by an awesome person, and I just wanted to be out of the way when he got back from work. I moved the snow, scoop by scoop, to the end of the driveway. I went to the car, reached into my pocket, and pulled out an empty hand. My keys were MIA! Several hours and some panic texts and phone calls later (not to mention moving that snow pile around three times) came the lovely clink of snow shovel hitting keys. The car is now moved, the socks have been changed, and feeling is again returning to fingers. Nothing like losing the keys to move the car in a pile of snow like this. (You may have to turn your head a bit to get the photo right side up)

Day 7 - New Year

The first day of 2014 brings snow, snow, and more snow, and no desire to go out (especially now that it's dark) and snap a photo. So today, it's about staying warm and enjoying the little things that make the hope of a new year seem so special. Today is watching Michigan State at the Rose Bowl. It's getting cozy wrapped in a blanket, feet up, surrounded by books, journals, technology, and the little joys that get lost in busy days. Happy 2014.

Day 6 - words

In the hustle and bustle in the ending of 2013 and the beginning of 2014, I find that I am posting a little late. While the picture was taken earlier, and the thoughts have been forming throughout the day, it finally comes together now, an hour and a half into the new year. Most of today had been spent pondering words. We hang on to them, listen to them, hear them, read them, write them, share them, cherish them. They are everywhere, and depending on the situation can mean so many drastically different things. Sometimes I fear them. Today started as one of those days. I sometimes have a difficult time getting the right words to come together to portray what I want them to. I've been known to mess things up simply by the words I've chosen to say. Lately, especially, I fear repeating some of those mistakes. I really don't want to mess up what's happening now. I'm afraid to use words, and have spent a lot of time just letting things be what they are. Today, this ended up working well. I know it can't stay like this forever, that I will need to find words and use them to continue going forward in my life, but now that the day is over and a new one, a new year even, is beginning, I can relax just a bit and know that words are okay. That I am ok. And I wish the same for you as this new year begins...a feeling of peace and calmness and joy that things will work out exactly as they are supposed to.